When things just feel off…

I’m feeling anxious today. It’s been one of those weeks where nothing in particular has gone wrong per se, but I feel off. I maybe haven’t communicated well with my husband. I have papers to fill out to return for my middle schooler. I have eggs to wash for deliveries Friday/Saturday. The weeds in the garden are as tall as I am (5’3” - at least I’m not 6’1”!!). My desk has disappeared under a pile of mail and random 1st grade worksheets. My toddler has figured out how to snag ice pops from the freezer and chew the end off in order to eat them when she doesn’t have permission, when my back is turned. I’ve drifted away from some, reconnected with others. Just one of those weeks.

I’m still working on pulling together my thoughts on relationships as adults and how to go about this thing we call adulting. They exist in my mind as floating, disparate, not yet connected ideas - on the cusp of coalescing into something that might be valuable to others. It’s in limbo - I feel like I’m existing in limbo. I’m plodding through my days, keeping up with the day-to-day have to do list. But…

I feel adrift.

I feel isolated.

I feel disconnected.

I’m not sure what the term is for my personality type. I imagine it depends on the system of personality typing that one uses. In my mind I think of myself as an extroverted introvert. I thoroughly enjoy my relationships with others and interacting. I cherish the chance to connect online, by phone, in person. BUT I also feel completely and utterly exhausted afterwards. I think that this is contributing to how I feel right now.

So when I feel this way, how do I deal with it and get myself out of a funk?

At the moment I’m sitting in a car dealership waiting for my new tires to be put on my car. It’s a lovely, open space with a TV tuned to some sort of daytime news station, and I can hear quiet conversations in the offices around the waiting area. There’s a beautiful Weimaraner named Shelby who wanders, politely sniffing customers. Her collar jingles as her nails click on the flooring. People are kind, even though I’m not buying. It’s a typical midwestern, family business.

I focus on the world around me, on the things for which I’m grateful. On the goodness and beauty of the everyday, no matter where I am or what I’m doing.

A couple of nights ago I went to the studio and worked out some frustration on the canvas. I smeared paint onto the surface with wide, flat brushes. I scraped down areas using a palette knife. Then I focused and looked and paused. I saw what else it needed. I added more intentionally. Then, I diluted paint and let it cry down the image. And I shared it out. It’s a work in progress, like me.

I take time from the world around me, to look inward, to escape for a moment - 15 minutes, an hour, or maybe just one minute. I practice self compassion which helps me to extend more compassion to others in my life. I remember that it’s important to breathe. I try to contribute beauty, even if it’s complicated, out into others’ lives.

Do you ever have days or weeks like this? What do you do to reset, to climb out of a mental, emotional valley? Do you pray? Do you meditate? Do you create? Exercise? What works for you?

This is a recent work that I believe is still a work in progress. Acrylic on canvas (sourced from a thrift store). I found it very cathartic to go out, put on some moody music, and just have at it.